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Nicole

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running on safe mode [Mar. 3rd, 2007|10:53 am]
Nicole
[mood |dejected]

Life is so cruel. Why are we destined to suffer from the realizations of our greatest fears.

It seems that i have found myself in the same situation again.
Surrounded by people and completely alone.
I feel like I have no one who understands.
I want a to reason to get up in the morning. I thought i found it, like focusing a camera lens on a breathtaking picture, only to see it get fuzzy all over again.
I thought life could be different but age is not teaching me so.
I suppose life is a series of pain and stress and shitty moments spinkled with occasional smiles.
Lately the smiles come less and less.
And it now seems to be as I feared all along. I always knew all alone.
Me, by myself, in the world.
No man, no child, no parent, and no friend will ever fill the gap.

Today a piece of me was violently ripped from my chest. Inherent optimism gone. There is no reason to smile. Smiles are so inevitably destined to take you off your guard and cut you. Smiles are a tease and they are fleeting. Depression is the only reliably safe emotion I have left.
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just breathe [Nov. 17th, 2006|07:27 pm]
Nicole
[mood |calmcalm]

These past two days have been really tough for me. I've felt very lost, hopeless and confused. Burdened with self-doubt, I was wondering how I could ever let myself be happy. In the past I had made decisions based on the philosophy of living life by my own standards, only finding that today these choices fabricated its own set of regrets. Perhaps my dad was right, I thought. Perhaps there is regret with every single decision we makein life. I was very upset at this notion that I could never win. Upset that I would always find a way to be miserable.

It then hit me; I suddenly felt the relief I was looking for. I realized that I could not change my past and that it was my own self-imposed expectations making me miserable. For it is the human condition to make mistakes and have regrets. Perhaps there is freedom in the thought that I am human and that mistakes will come whether I will them to or not. Things don't have to be as I expected and I wouldn’t be happy if they were. Life is not about having things the way you planned or about not making mistakes. I need to always remember I can only hold on so tight. The tighter I try to keep things the more they are suffocated. My life is great and things will be okay. Nothing can be forced and I know this. I need to always remember that it is much more important to be kind than to be righteous.

As a girlfriend inadvertently reminded me recently, its important to just breathe.
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wednesday night [Nov. 8th, 2006|11:34 pm]
Nicole
[mood |gloomygloomy]

I've been crying a lot more lately.

Today I felt hopeless. I feel like I'm fucking up again. I feel like the stable moments I have are only fleeting and worthless. I don't know how I’m going to make it through life.

I thought I started off with a clean slate this time. How could I have been so foolish? How could I think things would be so pure and good?

I've fucked up in the past and now I have to pay the price. I don't think I deserve to be happy. Certainly no one deserves to put up my insanity and insecurities. I am feeling very alone again.
.
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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2006|03:01 am]
Nicole
[mood |calmcalm]

Tonight was an interesting night. I have to say, I'm in a wonderful mood.

As I was talking to Steve about live I felt so comforted by the fact that I have experienced life just as much as he has. I gave him my input and I was shocked to see that he actually listened.

The most wonderful thing about tonight was that while I was assessing his life verbally him I was secretly thinking about mine. I thought about how lucky I am. First, I thought, I found a career that has proved to be so right for me and now I've found a man whom I couldn't imagine being any more perfect.

Sometimes I think that these perfect things in my life seem too easy and the dread that they will crumble overtakes me. I understand that life isn't fair and I wonder if and/or when my luck will suddenly change. It’s funny though that these moments seems fleeting compared to the one predominant thought that remains in my head at the end of the night:

There is nothing more fulfilling than following the path in life that truly feels so right.
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2006|09:04 am]
Nicole
[mood |distressedglad I'm crazy]

God I don't know if I can take this. Last night I felt so desperate. I couldn't sleep. I felt the urge to cry and scream at the time and the mixture came out as some pathetic whimper. When I tried my relaxation exercises I realized that I had been clenching my teeth the entire night. My jaw was so sore from being tense that I became preoccupied with the pain. All I could think of was the fact that I didn't fit in. I don't think humans are supposed to experience this. Who am I?

I woke up so exhausted and pissed off this morning. What the fuck is my problem. I don't think I can do this. I don't think I'm that strong of a person.

I don't want to talk to anyone today. I want to wander off and get myself lost somewhere. Somewhere I don't know the way back from. Being lost seems the only way to change my priorities and perspective at this point. This mood needs to pass.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2006|11:42 pm]
Nicole
[mood |lovedloved]

Last night a loved one told me that when I hurt he truly felt hurt as well.

Tonight I received a call from him and he told me that he was just hurt by someone very special to his past. I was so happily surprised to find my first thoughts were his feelings and what I could say to make him feel better.

Literally minutes later I accidentally stumbled upon this quote and I've been grinning over its profound truth ever since:

"My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake." -Aristotle
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the power in the belief of fate [Jun. 23rd, 2006|11:30 pm]
Nicole
[mood |sleepysleepy]

So back again. I have more time now and I want to start writing again.

I'm really scared about Monday. The procedure is now only 3 days away and I can't ignore it anymore. I know it will be fine, its honestly not a big deal medically but I've never really had to deal with a health issue like this before. I wish I wasn't so fucking neurotic. It’s a Friday summer night and I spent it obsessing on the internet about the specifics and complications of the procedure. Seriously, people like me should go to medical school because it only acts as a catalyst to my anxiety. I never knew how much fucked up shit can go wrong with the human body and now that I have the knowledge I swear So back again. I have more time now and I want to start writing again.

I'm really scared about Monday. The procedure is now only 3 days away and I can't ignore it anymore. I know it will be fine, its honestly not a big deal medically but I've never really had to deal with a health issue like this before. I wish I wasn't so fucking neurotic. It’s a Friday summer night and I spent it obsessing on the internet about the specifics and complications of the procedure. Seriously, people like me should go to medical school because it only acts as a catalyst to my anxiety. I never knew how much fucked up shit can go wrong with the human body and now that I have the knowledge I swear I think I have everything. Supposedly this is a common phenomenon among medical students, its suppose to go away, but I don't think they know me!

Whenever I think about my health issue I can't help but think this happened to me for a reason. I'm not sure if I actually believe its fate but I do think it is quite a interesting and helpful coincidence that it happened to me in this point in my life. I am in fact the youngest person in my class, and health care wise I have little experience. How can I relate to people who are diagnosed with life long or terminal illness being young and healthy at 23 years old? How could I tell a person that from this day forth his or her life will significantly changed due a medical illness? Before this experience I would have been left in the dark. I think my innocence and ignorance would have crippled me as a healthy care provider. I know that what I’m experiencing isn’t huge in the grand scale of issues but at least now I know what its like to wrestle with something so personal and pertinent to your daily life and feel powerless, frightened and angry.

I will get through this and I know I will come out a little more mature and sensitive for it. So I suppose then that I can say that I am grateful for this experience in terms of who I want to be and what I want to accomplish in my life. It honestly makes me wonder if I had chosen a different career, if I hadn’t so crucially needed this perspective, would this have happened to me?
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good choice [Aug. 10th, 2005|12:18 pm]
Nicole
[mood |chipperchipper]

Well its my first week of class at PA school. I've been busy as shit already ( and we all know how busy that is, what?) but it's been really cool. I've met so many cool people people, I never thought school could be this cool. Everyone is my class (there's 98 of us) are really social friendly sweet and smart. I actually feel comfortable around my peers which is something i've never really experienced before. I mean, there are the occasional stupid chicks but overall I've made so many cool people.

I'm excited about PA school. Its bascially condensed med school and I've learned gobs of cool shit already. Its gonna be hard, I won't have much free time, but who needs free time when you're studying how to examine human eyes balls with cool instruments :|)
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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2005|08:54 pm]
Nicole
Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

April
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.Attractive and affectionate. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

I normally don't think these things but this one seems to speak some truth.
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My sweet little Candy girl [Jul. 25th, 2005|05:15 pm]
Nicole
[mood |amusedamused]

A week ago today I got a new puppy! Shes a mini yellow Lab about 8 months old and her name is Candy. I love her to death! She is easily the best dog I have ever had. I don't know how I ever lived without her.

HAHA, so today I went to walmart and spent all kinds of money on her. Shes teething a bit so I needed to get her various chew toys. I bought her everything from rawhides bones to plastic toys and fluffy animals. Out of the 30 bucks i spent on her the only stuffed animal she likes to chew on is a mini stuffed animal given to me by my stupid first exboyfriend. Gotta love this dog! Talk about a girl after my own heart! I knew that boy was good for something. ;)
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